I Get So Triggered, Am I Crazy?

Tell me: Am I crazy? Do they have me fucked up? Did I miss something?

During one of my low periods, I reconnected with an old friend, we will call him Lad for this story. Lad and I used to be great friends but we also dated. For whatever reason, life I guess, we weren’t as close, but no love was lost. Our reconnecting was absolutely what I needed because I had been in such a tough space mentally, spiritually, professionally and more. I needed a friend and he was there despite our history. He was going through it too — business school applications and tests were starting to get the best of him. But I was there, we had each other. It felt good to relax.

Of course, he asked me so we entertained the idea of going on a date since we never did when we dated and me taking a trip to see him. I was with it! I paid for my own trip--I needed the trip-- it would’ve been my first trip out of Washington D.C. since I moved here a year ago. I was excited for weeks, smiling and generally more happy than I had been for months. I needed this — my friend, his hugs and cuddles, a familiar face, a companion, a place to unwind but also to express and let it go.

When I got there, I was mad excited to see him, lowkey ready to be attached at the hip, to go eat at all of Texas’ best eats and places of nostalgia, to finally go on that cute date and even just chill and watch movies while we cuddle. We made a pact that Saturday night was just for us. School applications, Gutted and me visiting my other friends would stop so that we could have a still moment together. It was gonna be lit…until it wasn’t.

I was not met with any of the same energy. I mean Lad was dry af from the night I got there through the end…Friday through Monday. Lad even planned over the date and all. His homeboy stayed the same weekend, which I didn't know until I got there. I tried to ask and understand why, but was given dry ass answers, as if it was no big deal. Triggered, I quickly started shutting down.

I was triggered. Like why did I even waste my time and money, which I didn’t really have, to come here if you knew you didn’t want nothing. If you were going to plan over our plans? If you were going to be dry and stand-offish?

I couldn’t handle it. I was triggered and pissed. I went and partied without em. Put on the outfit I had for em, stayed out late, and slept in the next day. The

next day was no better with him. He just wasn't talking, so I up and left, with few words and only a glance. When I left I cried so much. Why does this keep happening? All I needed was a moment. Why is this happening when he made it a big deal for me to come there. Didn't put shit on my ticket but wanna act like THAT?? What's wrong with me? Am I crazy? Did Lad have me fucked up?

Have you ever been told you were crazy but didn’t believe it until you looked back at your reactions to certain situations? Like damn!! WHY DO I ACT THIS WAY!? Am EYE the crazy one??

The situation with Lad really had me self analyzing a lot, wondering why I keep seeing the same results in certain areas of my life. Why do I get angry so quickly? Why am I always on guard, ready to pop off? Ready to flip the switch on a pussy ass muhf.. let me stop… It’s because many times, we (we is me) never sit our ass down to really see what we are doing and experiencing.

In other words, when shit happens, we deal with it then and there, have our reactions, but we don’t take time to process how we felt or what we learned in that moment, why we felt that way, and think through better ways to handle it in the future. We just go running to our friends, who will likely justify how you moving and thinking.

Sometimes it’s ok to just be crazy! Some situations warrant that side to come out. BUT DON’T TAKE THIS AS CHRISTIE SAYING YOU CAN GO RUN AND BE A LOOSE CANNON! NO! You do need to sit and become A.W.A.R.E. Figure out why you keep doing shit or responding to certain things the way you do. Because when you’re more aware, you may take things less personal, can become more considerate and understanding, and you can build stronger relationships. Self aware people know who they are, who they ain’t, why, and they're damn proud of it. This could be you, but you playing.

If that’s what you want for yourself, here’s How to become A.W.A.R.E.

How to become A.W.A.R.E.

A- Allow yourself to feel.

This was probably the best advice I’ve ever gotten (thanks Will). Gone head! Throw that tantrum! Cry! Run and cry! Cry in the shower! Eat that whole cake. Lay in bed all day. Block all the calls! Whatever you gotta do, do it! Allow yourself to feel for as long as it takes ( as long as you “feeling” does not put others or yourself in any danger or harm). There’s no reason you have to be tough. Let that stuff out for YOUR health!

W- Why. Ask yourself why this situation makes you feel this way.

While you’re feeling, ask yourself why! Why do you feel this way? What in that situation triggered you? Why? Has this happened before? What was the situation? Did this same reaction or situation produce similar results? Sometimes, our feelings create a bigger problem than what’s really at the root. And sometimes, our feelings and reactions really have nothing to do with the situation (or person) at hand because it’s deep rooted in a past experience that you never analyzed. Take some time, grab a journal and figure out what the problem is.

A-Alternatives. Find at least 2 different ways you could have handled that situation.

Ok so boom, now you know why you felt and behaved the way you did. Here’s the tough part. Find at least 2 different ways you could have handled that same or similar situations OBJECTIVELY. Meaning minus your feelings, past triggers, principles, all of that. At face value, what happened and what are some reasonable ways to react? Or be proactive!? Ask all the questions to help you get these answers!

R-Retrain yourself to respond with one of the alternatives you identified.

Now that you know some different ways to handle a similar situation, SLOW DOWN! When you face a similar situation, try to slow down your thinking and emotions so that you can calmly and rationally choose one of those alternatives you came up with. This step is going to take some time, growth and maturity. It may take a stab at your pride and ego but what good has your pride and ego really done for you? I mean, up to this point, it’s made the situation worse, right? Make every effort to choose a better approach.

E- Evaluate and evolve.

Did this new reaction give you a better experience? How did it make you feel? What were the results? Is this better for you? How? This is how you grow. You MUST take time to evaluate situations that have a high impact on your mental health, physical health, and emotional and spiritual well-being. This is where therapy can be relieving, and can help you better walk through what happened, why and what’s next. As you evaluate, feel free to continue to express and feel! By no means are you expected to be a numb robot as you become A.W.A.R.E. Cry the whole way through if you need to!

I guess this is the point that I tell you how I became A.W.A.R.E. *Cues violin. If you got your tea up to this point, feel free to exit. Otherwise, it’s story time! Ehh emm….

To circle back to my story: after becoming more aware, I realized why I dipped out on Lad and how I could've handled it better. I was triggered after I tried to see what wassup. He wasn't communicating. and It triggered me. Why? Because in the past:

Only thing I knew to do was call it out once, and if nothing changes—deuces. Not saying that’s right or wrong. That’s just what I did.

But because I left, I lost an opportunity to really get to the root of what was going on, THEN make a better, informed decision. I put myself through even more of a mental challenge by replaying the hurt I felt in that experience and thinking of should’ve could’ve, would’ves.

Looking back and now understanding why I was so triggered, I realized how cold I had become. How afraid I am to be vulnerable and to feel. And how these fears have driven me to act irrationally or even hold my tongue when I feel like my happiness and essence are threatened.

I still feel like he was on some bullshit about some things. But beyond that, maybe this was an opportunity to practice empathy, maybe grace and understand everything doesn’t revolve around me! If I could go back, I’d breathe first, then try to tap in and be real with him about our mood and feelings again. Maybe I would’ve found out what he was dealing with mentally that made him push me away or act so distant. Shoo he may have actually still been full of shit!! But at least I would have known. Again, that still doesn’t excuse none of his behavior, but it could’ve been a better weekend.

Every day, I’m becoming more aware, and overstanding (shoutout to CoopDaTrille) myself and others more. It’s a bitch, I’m not gonna lie. My fears of vulnerability and abandonment can be so crippling sometimes that knocking down this wall seems impossible. I feel impossible to love or be valued sometimes. But I have to constantly remind myself otherwise. My friends help me with this tremendously and share so many affirming words. I just have to continue to take this one step and one day at a time. As I go, I am finding that it is becoming easier to have those difficult conversations and become less triggered. Still got some ways to go but look! The Lord is working ok!!

Growing up is a painful process sometimes, especially when you are trying to manage your pride and ego. I promise you though, as you start to retrain mind and emotions, situations similar to what triggered you will start to just roll off your shoulder. You’ll be less bothered and/or more in control, and in a much better mental place! Trust me.

Yall be easy!