Stop Holding Space for People Unfit to Fill It

Updated: Feb 9

You're Empty Because You're Holding Space For Someone That Can't Fill It...

Yup... We cutting deep today. Let's get into it. This one is going to be short cuz chile...

Lately you've been feeling empty because you just don't understand why. Why (Insert Person's Name) is not more involved or present in your life, given all that history. Why, after multiple "Come to Jesus", heart pouring conversations, there still seems to be a disconnect and once again, they're ghost. Why, no matter what you do to meet them halfway or understand, or hell, even fix yourself, you're back at square one, not talking.

Ain't no answers in sight, but you keep holding on, cuz once that Jacquees Risk It All, and Luckye Day Misunderstood come on, you back strategizing like "if he/she/ I could just (XYZ) we could be so (XYZ). Maybe we better off being misunderstood." Fam... I get it. But it's time to cut it out!

I've held space for unfit people too many times than I care to admit. From deddy issues to romantic woes to friend break ups. It's always a very emotional process for me because I value relationships and community.

But there lies the problem: I shouldn't value community so much that I hold space for people who do not fill me up as I fill them up. That leaves room for all kinds of negativity and stress. And Guess what, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Every one does not belong in your life. More directly, if this person (mama, deddy, cousin, aunt, homie, potential bae, teacher, boss, whoeva and nem) has not tried to fill this space or just cannot, they're just not meant to fill that space. And their inability and/or inadequacy to do so is NOT a reflection of our worth or value.... They're JUST not it.

So boom. WHY.... are you holding space for this person in the first place? Could be a couple things:

1) You're repeating trauma. 

You've been so used to this inconsistent and absentee relationship, you think it's normal. That if it aint crazy, if you aint crazy and bending yourself, you aren't riding hard enough, that it aint right. Bump all that. It's toxic and it's holding you down.

2)You're hoping for that fantasy experience with them. 

"They had a conversation and expressed their love for one another, and lived happily ever after," or "Since my daddy wasn't around, I look for love in men" kinda shit.

This is when it's important to become more A.W.A.R.E.-- you need to understand how experiences influence your behavior, and in this case, make you cling to certain people. For example, because of your experience, you have these new expectations of how people need to interact with you. But you're expecting these results from people who already show that they cannot do that. For example, you're expecting people who also suck at communication to fully express themselves with you, or for an inconsistent person to consistently show up for you. Having this kind of clarity about your expectations and interactions shed light as to why they can't be what you are expecting, no matter how much you communicate it, bend backwards or anything. You'll see that either they're simply incapable or unwilling to occupy that space in you.

I know... it's hurting..

Now, for the question you drive yourself crazy trying to answer: Why can't or won't they fill this space? Well, here's a couple of reasons for that (I'm sure there's many reasons):

1) They can't fill that space because that's not who they are. 

It's like asking a square to fill up a circle. Future and Ciara are the perfect example. No matter how hard she prayed or bent for him, he was just not going to be who she needed. Same with Michael Jackson and Joe Jackson... But yall may be too young for that. Basically, them Jackson kids were never enough.

2)They can't fill that space because they just don't want to. 

And bay-beh... you aint finna make NOBODY do something they don't want to do.

Now this is hard to accept. And I get it that sometimes, it's hard to know what people want because they give mixed signals. That's ok though, just understand that mixed signals is a loud ass "I DON'T WANT TO", "I DON'T WANT YOU" or "I DON'T GAF". Again, none of this is a blow to your worth. Fuck them. Ain't nobody got time to be playing detective, trying to figure out what these crazies want. Cuz most of the time, it's NOTHING!

So what's the solution? Cuz I know you sicka getting deep. It's another easy two-step:

1) Become A.W.A.R.E.

2) Get out of your own way and recognize who is around you, giving you what you are wanting, begging from that absent person. Appreciate the new place you are in and put your attention and energy there. 

I remember when I was in undergrad in Texas, I got into it with family, to the point that I literally was not connected to anyone back home. I felt alone, like no one cared about me, loved me for me, and that I was not worth fighting for-- cuz that's what my experiences told me. But I was like wayment...that can't be true. I had look around and notice the family I acquired around me. I had brothers that rode for me stronger than blood ever did, line-sisters ready on the front line uplifting me in my lowest, professors that were genuinely pushing, rooting and advocating for me and mentors/older friends that kept me up on game, grooming me to be the boss they saw me as (Yes, I'm talking about you, Sharesa, Gary, Cory, Licia, Patrice, and Chris). I had a family, blood and not, that cared about and loved me and showed me I'm worth fighting for and showing up for anytime. It was difficult to get used to because I was used to drama. I did get used to the love though. I was ok, and I could relax, because my Texas family filled that space within me that blood family couldn't. Today, in 2020, I am much closer to family now. Took some work but that’s a conversation for another day.

So, all in all... FUCK THAT MF! lol They do NOT deserve that space you're saving! I hope you realize the love that surrounds you. And if you're still having a hard time finding it, just know the Gutted Gang is here for you! Tag someone and tell em you got em. Comment #GG if we can count on you!

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